Allen Berger, Ph.D.
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Allen Berger, Ph.D., suggests you take a positive view of fighting as a passionate way to resolve your problems. Sometimes people fight a lot because that is how they have learned to express intimacy for each other.
Why do we fight so often? When couples come in to me and they are just engaged in a lot of conflict in the relationship, one of the things that I start to think about is that this is the way that they have learned to feel togetherness and closeness in a relationship. Somehow, as they were growing up, this is what togetherness felt like in their families.
One of the things that people do when they enter into a relationship is that they recreate the emotional climate that they had growing up. So, if you’re fighting all the time, it may be a way for you guys to feel connected with each other.
The other thing that’s happens frequently is that people negotiate the level of intimacy. And so that fighting can be a symptom of a struggle that you are having with the level of intimacy that you want in the relationship. You need to start to take a look at that.
First of all, get honest. Address that this is the way that you feel close to your partner. Secondly, is your intimacy off balance? How are we talking about that with each other? I think that if you look around and you start poking in those areas, it’s only going to help you communicate more clearly with your partner.
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