Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Difference Between Lust and Love
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Allen Berger, Ph.D., explains the difference between lust or immature love and real love. It’s important to know the difference between infatuation, lust and real love because we all should strive for mature real love. Real love is not a fusion together, a loss of identities. Mature love is two individuals sharing growth together.
What’s the difference between lust and real love? Is there such a thing as a mature love and adult love? And the answer to that is, yes, there is. There is a mature love, and it looks very different than an immature love. Let me explain it to you quickly, because it’s important that we strive to have that kind of love with each other.
Erich Fromm, a brilliant, brilliant thinker, came up with this idea of mature love, and he defined it as follows: “A mature love is when we join, but we keep our integrity so that when I connect with you, I don’t lose myself.” See, in every relationship, there are two basic life forces that you’re dealing with all the time. It’s my desire to please and cooperate with you and, at the same time, to honor my individuality. Both of those are equally important. In fact, true love has been defined as when I balance those two forces out and when I make you as important as I make myself. That’s been defined as love.
Now, immature love is based on dependency. It says, “You make me happy.” So we come up with all these ideas, like, “If you love me, you’d do this, and, if you love me, you’d do that.” It’s all nonsense. That’s not what love is. Love is not dependency. It’s not fusion. It’s not being an emotional Siamese twin. It’s standing on your own two feet, encouraging your partner to stand on their own two feet, and finding ways to connect in that spirit.
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