Danielle Jagoda, MA, LMFT
Different interests and hobbies
Sometimes I have couples coming in and they talk about, well, he likes to go hiking and I really don’t like the outdoors and I just — I don’t like bugs and I don’t like that sort of thing and I feel bad because I feel like we should be doing everything together but I don’t want to go do that. What should we do if we have very different interests and hobbies? And what I like to tell my couples that have interests that are their own is go, go to your own thing from time to time. It’s important to remain an individual and to have some sort of autonomy and independence. Healthy relationships are about having a balance of togetherness and separateness. So it’s really important to still do those things you enjoyed doing before you were with your partner. And it doesn’t have to be that you enjoy all the same activities together.
Sometimes, what I see in my clients who are addicts is a lot of codependency. And some signs of codependency are the feelings that you need to have to be with your partner all the time, not feeling whole or complete without having another person in your life.
Codependents often have a real hard time setting emotional and physical boundaries with their partner. Their emotions are very closely linked and tied into their partner’s emotions. It’s if their partner is sad or depressed, they’re not feeling okay, then they don’t feel very okay or stable. If their partner is happy and joyous, they feel great, too. Often, codependents feel the need to take care of their partner, but underneath this sometimes some resentments build about the fact that their partner maybe doesn’t give them as much as they want back.
I really advise people to be cautious and read up on codependency and look for signs and clues that they could possibly be to codependent because it’s so important to remain autonomous and to have a sense of yourself. A healthy sense of self in any relationship.
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