Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Spouse blames me
What should I do if my spouse always blames me for things? If you’re experiencing that your spouse is always blaming you for everything in the relationship, then I would suggest that you step through it in the following way:
Now, first of all, you become very thoughtful.
Step One: Am I culpable? Have I done something here that’s really hurt this person, and they’re blaming me as their way of trying to talk to me about what’s going on for them and what they don’t like? Am I responsible in some way for what my partner is talking to me about? Now, let’s say you are. Then take responsibility for that. It’s okay. We’re human. We’re not perfect. Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you are a mistake. You need to really understand that. It’s okay.
You can learn a tremendous amount when you make a mistake in a relationship, and doing that, I think, creates a lot of goodwill between you and your partner. If you can say, “I’m really sorry. I can really see that I’ve hurt you, that I’ve spiritually wounded you in some way.” doing that, you can really strengthen your connection.
Now, if the answer to step one is no, you don’t see your culpability, then go ahead and say that. Say, “You know, honey, I’m sorry. I’ve really checked in with myself, I tried to see if I’ve done something in some way that’s contributing to what’s going on here between us, but I don’t see it. Is there anything else you could tell me about it? You know, is there maybe any new information? If there is not, then I’m sorry. I don’t see that.”
Now, if that bothers you, then it means that they’re too important to you. If your partner is upset with you and you haven’t done anything, then that can just be okay if it’s okay with you. But, for a lot of people, because you want them to like you and think you’re great all the time, then you get upset about that and you try to change their mind.
You don’t have to change their mind. You can hold on to your own reality. What I tell people is a lot of times what happens in a relationship is that we let our partner edit our reality. And, when we do that, we’re creating a whole other problem.
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