Mark Goulston, M.D.
Children learning from parent’s mistakes
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Mark Goulston, M.D., states that your children’s personalities are greatly influenced by your interactions as a married couple. Both you must set a positive example for your kids. They are constantly watching and learning, both good and bad, from how you communicate and work together.
What kind of lessons do kids learn from their parent’s marriage? The answer is very sobering and very real. Your children’s personality, when they’re young, is influenced as much the way you and your partner relate to each other as the way you relate to your children. When your children are watching you and your partner relate to each other, what they are often watching is how does logic and emotion respect each other. If they see cold logic, overruling raw emotion, or if they see raw emotion, minimizing cold logic, what’s happening is your children watch that. Their developing minds and personalities will not be able to coordinate the logical part of their brain and the emotional part of their brain.
And so what your children really need to see is a respect for the differences. The ideal situation for your children to see would be a husband and wife, who are rather different. And let’s say, the husband is a great problem solver, and the mother is very good at comforting. The ideal parenting situation would be if a child comes home, they’re upset, and they’re with the dad. Now, dad knows the child needs comforting, but mom is better at that. So, what would be great is if dad would say, “You know, I could give you some solutions, but I think your mom is much better right now in helping you feel better.” Or, if the mom knows the dad is a good problem solver, to be able to comfort that child and say, “You know, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad but I think you’re going to need a solution on what to do tomorrow when you go back to school. Your dad is great problem solver.”
So, when your children actually see the respect for the differences, your children will internalize that and that will become their mind, their personality, and way of dealing with situations. Instead of being messed up when they grow up, they’ll be confident and competent.
Your children’s personalities are greatly influenced your interaction as a married couple, so you must set a positive example for your kids. They are constantly watching and learning, both good and bad, from how you interact. The lessons kids learn from you are through your daily attitude, words, deeds, kindnesses, misdeeds, public displays of affections and non-verbal behavior. You are their role models about choices and consequences. When you show them you value one another you are teaching your children them lessons about respect for differences and intimacy despite conflict, negotiation, how to manage emotions, listening skills, friendship, and unconditional caring. Relationships come with expectations. Twoology.com helps couples fulfill their desires.
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