Scott Haltzman, M.D.
Different sex drives
What can we do if we have different sex drives? The research suggest that about 75% of men will report that they have higher sex drives than their wives. And other research though shows that a vast majority of women upwards of 80% say that they’d like to have more sex in their relationship. So how does that work? How is it possible that men are feeling that they’d like to have more sex and women are also feeling like they’d like to have more sex and they’re married to each other? So, what can you do if you have different sex drives?
Here’s my thoughts on this particular issue.
- First of all, men do have higher levels of testosterone than women. So on average men are thinking about sex, wanting sex, enjoying sex more frequently than women are.
- But women are also looking for sex not necessarily because their testosterone is pushing them but because they really look forward to the intimate connection that sex brings and they’d like sex to be part of their emotional connection.
- Now one of the problems is sometimes the best way to get a guy really relaxed in talking and opening emotional is that sex with him. And sometimes women are particularly interested in having sex until their guy has begun to open up and be more emotionally available.
- The reality is that you’re going to have somewhat of a mismatched in sex drive particularly after you get married because when you’re dating women tend to have much higher sex drives than they do once they get married. Now when that happens that you’ve got different levels of sex drive — different sex drives — it is critically important to remember that sex is an important part of marriage. It is an important part of your relationship. In my book Secrets of Happily Married Women, I write that’s the reason he married you for the sex. Come on Scott, is that not being a little Neanderthal? I mean he married me for lots of things. But if you think about it, he can enjoy spending time with his buddies. He can enjoy deep conversations with his teachers. He can really enjoy a feeling of closeness with his family members but there’s only one person in the world that he wanted to have sex with for the rest of his life and that was you. So if you’re a woman that begins to feel like sex should just be no optional or have kind of grown out of that.
The reality is that that was not part of what marriage is about. And if you’re one of those people that are listening and saying, yeah I get that it’s about sex but what about my emotional needs? Good for you. Try to get your emotional needs met but don’t cut out the sex until it happens. Just know that just because you have different sex drives doesn’t mean you can’t work it all out to both your satisfaction.
Copyright – 2013-14 – Tunomi Unlimited Incorporated (Twoology)