Joseph Hernandez, Ph.D. and Ana Morante, L.M.F.T.
Recover from infidelity
Affair reconciliation and recovery after betrayal. Couples have to work together to recover from infidelity. Open yourself up for the possibility for reconciliation.
What are the ways to repair, rebuild, recover from infidelity? Part 1 Regarding the issue of can whether people can actually recover from an affair situation, it’s one of those very devastating kinds of things where you feel like you’ve been stabbed in the heart, in the stomach, in the pit of who you are in your soul. And so for some couples the answer is, “No. I’m not willing to move on past this. I, it’s hurt me too much and I don’t have any life available to give to you.”
When a marriage dies because of an affair, it’s a very sad thing. And yet some people who have gone through the very same feelings of having been stabbed and hurt and rejected and thrown to the side. Sometimes people can make some choices about forgiveness. We really are talking about two things when we talk about an affair in a marriage. We’re talking about the concept of forgiveness, and we’re talking about a different subject, which is reconciliation.
The issue of forgiveness has to do with something that I we choose to do. It has nothing to do with the offending party. It isn’t about them. It is about us. If we carry the anger and the rage and the hurt, if we carry all that inside of us, it will poison us. And so we have to be able to let go of that. We cannot heal as long as we do not forgive. We have to let go. In fact, in there are two Greek, words whose the roots word — there’s two words that are in the Greek that have to do with forgiveness, and what they really represent is the word “liberty” or “freedom.” So when we forgive, we are setting ourselves free to be able to heal.
Now again, what we normally want is we want for the other person to say, “I’m sorry, I screwed up, and I won’t do it again.” We want them to have some of that show remorse. We also would like to have them show do some penance and do some things, but really that has nothing to do with forgiveness because it’s not about them. It’s Forgiveness is about us. It’s a choice we make.
The second thing: Once we choose to forgive and set ourselves free to heal, then we have the possibility of reconciliation. Now, reconciliation does require the person to recognize that he did they’ve done something wrong. They have to admit to what they’ve done, to say “I’m sorry,” to say and to show evidence that they will not do that again to us. That begins to set the stage for the possibility of reconciliation.
Reconciliation is something that two people have to do together. It is not a solo act. It is something that we work on together, where each of us uses our skills of speaking, listening, and cooperating to find the solutions and to get through one of the most difficult things that a marriage can undergo, which is infidelity.
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