Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Signs of abusive relationship
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Allen Berger, Ph.D., reveals what behaviors are red flags of abusive and what you can do to defend yourself. If there’s something in the connection you have that isn’t good for you, acknowledge it, let your partner know. There may be something missing in the way that both of you are talking to each other and the best way is to bring it out in the open.
What are red flags of abusive relationship and how do I defend against it? If you’re wondering if you’re in abusive relationship or not, then you probably are. I mean, most people don’t ask that question. What is causing you to ask that question in the first place? See, there’s something going on that you don’t like, and I think it’s important to pay attention to that. Don’t put a label on it, but say, “Hey, there is something going on between my partner and I. There’s something in the connection we have that isn’t good for me and that is really difficult for me.”
See, I think that’s the most important thing. Now, do we need it label it abuse or not? I don’t know. Maybe we do. Maybe somebody needs to look at that as they’re being abusive. But the first thing for you to do is to recognize that there is something going on that you don’t like.
The second issue is this: what do you do when there’s something going on that you don’t like? How do you deal with that? How do you address that situation? Now, I’ve often found that whatever I’m experiencing in a relationship, my partner is feeling something very similar. You would be surprised at how many times I’ve had one person sitting in my office saying, “You know, the way that John talks to me is just so disrespectful, and I can’t stand it. I hate it.” And then when John speaks up, he says, “You know, Cindy, the way that you talk to me very rude and hurtful and I feel the same way as you do.”
See, when you’re in a relationship, you’re in the same room. You’re just in different corners. So what happens is, there may be something missing in the way that both of you are talking to each other. And the best way to start to deal with this is to say, “Hey, you know, I want a better connection with you. I hope you want that with me. Can we start looking at how we’re talking to each other, seeing if our best self is doing the talking or is it our worst self?”
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