Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Expectations for committed relationship
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Allen Berger, Ph.D., says to be realistic about romantic expectations if you are in a committed relationship. To be better in your relationship. be willing to admit that there are things you need to learn. Understand that love does not mean complete obedience to someone else. Relationships come with expectations. Twoology helps couples fulfill them.
What are realistic expectations for a committed relationship? Romantic relationships are plagued different myths. A lot of people have written about them. I’ve written about them in my book. But I want to tell you two that really stand out for me.
The first one is that desire equals ability. See, we think because I say that I love you that means I’m going to be able to act like I love you. It’s not true. See, a lot of times, I can have the desire. I can really feel that love in my heart, but I may not know how. And, if you don’t understand that, then we can really get lost and have conflict around this issue.
You may think, “Well, why aren’t you showing that you love me more? It must mean that you don’t love me.” No, it doesn’t. It might just mean I don’t know how. And that becomes really important.
I think that the greatest diagnosis that we can have for the ills that we suffer in relationships is ignorance. We are ignorant. It’s terrible to say it that way, but the more that I’ve been able to admit my ignorance, the smarter I’ve become. So that’s a real important thing.
Another myth is this idea that if you love me, you’d do everything I want you to do. Well, that’s not true, because that leaves you out. You see, a real healthy relationship is where I am respecting you and myself at the same time, where there’s room for both of us. In a healthy relationship, there needs to be room for two; there needs to be room for you and for me.
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