Jennifer Johnston-Jones, Ph.D.
Not having enough sex
We’re not having enough sex, what can we do? Well, there are three things you need to do once you have a baby in order to keep your intimacy and your passion alive.
- Number one, alter your expectations completely. You cannot go into from a couple to a family and expect things to be just like they were; that needs to change completely. You need to consider the actual changes that have occurred in your partner’s body. The fact is that there’s going to be a three- to six- month recovery time before intercourse feels comfortable. There will be sleep deprivation. These are all the biological, practical things you need to consider then there are the emotional issues as well. Especially if your partner is nursing, she is probably overstimulated already in her breast area. So, lowering your expectations is important.
- The second thing you need to consider that’s very essential is about connecting with your spouse. What does that mean? That means one to one being in the same room looking eye-to-eye. One of the things I often recommend to couples is orgasming with your eyes open, and that is through intimacy. There are very few people in the world that are able to do that really connecting. We’re taught in our culture to make love with our eyes closed. And what this does is it really separates you from your spouse. You’re going inward. Especially when you have a baby and the opportunity for sex is so rare, you need to jump on that opportunity, take advantage of it. Get as much intimacy as you can out of this moment because who knows when you will have it again? Who knows when you’ll both be in that right mood? So when you have that opportunity, you need to engage as much as possible. Look at each other, connect truly, see eye-to-eye.
- The third thing you need to do is to alter your definition of intimacy. It might not be intercourse. It might not be sex as you think of it. It might be oral sex. It might be embracing. It might be long kisses. It might be showering together. But it’s very important to really open up, and this is true not only once you become parents but also as you age together and grow older. In intimacy it’s a falsity in our culture; it’s not about sex. If you only had sex for the rest of your life and you don’t do these other things that create intimacy, your marriage will probably fail. You really need to expand your definition, and this is especially true when you become parents. Don’t be afraid to kiss or embrace in front of the children. That’s going to teach them about healthy sexuality. In fact, there are very few times that you will likely have alone. So any opportunity that you can get, you need take an advantage of it.
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