Daniel Linder, MFT
Stop using sex for validation
How do I stop using sex for validation? Sex is a very common means of relief. There are many people who become addicted to sex and, as with addictions to porn, internet pornography, online chatting and relationships, phone sex, and going to massage parlors, use sex to relieve pain and get unmet needs met or relieved. So this is quiet common problem how to stop using sex for validation?
The need for validation is a very common unmet need. You may not have gotten enough assurance, attention, approval, or acknowledgement from your parents, and that need has remained. It’s very common to seek validation from other people in relationships and especially from sex. It’s so easy because it feels good when you’re providing pleasure and giving pleasure. There’s an aura around that experience that makes it seem very validating because it just feels so good. But it’s a mistake to feel that way. It’s easy to mistake the pleasure and the wonder and the excitement of having sex with actual validation because, after the sex is over, the validation is over, and you’re going to go back to needing validation again.
In other words, you’re going to need as much validation after all the sex you had as you did before, probably more so because you spent so much energy trying to get validated that you’ll be more tired and yet still not feel validated. So, it’s not a means to getting validation, but it is a way that you could become addicted to sex. Sex addiction. There’s such a focus on the sex and the use of sex to get validation that the whole sexual dynamic in your relationships can become all-consuming and overpowering and leave you feeling isolated and, ultimately, make it impossible for you to have healthy relationships, friendships, or emotional or sexual intimacy. It could ruin your ability to make connections with people and have real friendships and real intimacy.
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