What to Tell and What Not to Tell to Your Spouse – Muslim Marriages in the 21st Century
Three English marriage therapists, Seyyed M Razavi, Abbas Merali and Dr. A Fatima, share their thoughts to a small group of Muslims in Great Britain in 2014.
- NOTE: the first 30-seconds are in Arabic; everything else is in English
Communication, Communication, Communication!
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.
It is very sad that this relationship which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: ‘. . . He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . ” (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).
The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realisation of tranquillity and compassions between the spouses. For the attainment of this supreme goal, Islam has defined certain duties and rights for the husband and wife. In Islam the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage.
Allah Almighty says: “…consort with them in kindness, for if you hate them it may happen that you hate a thing wherein Allah has placed much good.” (An-Nisa’: 19)
The Prophet(SAWAWS), says, “The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family.” Also, he says, “… and the most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.”
Qur’anic statement describes the righteous people as those who pray saying: “Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the joy and the comfort of our eyes, and guide us to be models of righteousness.” (Al-Furqan: 74)
Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counselling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs. Also, things should be within both of them unless if they are critical due to which they should be discussed with a third person in order to find a solution. Most of the cases it so happens that the Husband tries to communicate something with the wife and that is taken in a wrong way which leads to misunderstanding and problems between the two. Without even trying to understand about the real message which the husband was trying to give, the wife starts discussing this with her parents and brothers which will in-turn creates lots of problems and issues which were not needed at the first place at all. Hence, the best way is to keep simple things within themselves is to communicate properly before bringing in a third person which is needless.
Don’t bring up past problems once they have been solved.
When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.
Be available to your spouse sexually, and don’t let your sexual relationship be characterised by selfishness.
- Islamic Centre