Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Keeping score in our relationship
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Allen Berger, Ph.D prescribes if you want to stop keeping score, understand that most of the time the basis of keeping score is doing things you don’t want to in order to earn brownie points. To stop this, don’t do things that you really really don’t want to do, and don’t accept anything from your partner that they clearly don’t want to do.
Is keeping score in our relationship a good thing? If yes, how do you keep score? One of the most important things that I talk to couples about is to not accept from your partner anything that’s not given with an open hand. Now, a corollary of that is for me not to give anything that I don’t want to give with an open hand.
You see, when people start keeping score, it’s because they’re doing things they don’t want to do. So I’m going to do this for you, and I don’t really want to. I’m doing it begrudgingly. And I’m going to expect that you do something for me that you don’t want to do. Now, I don’t have a problem with that: If you talked about that and you make a decision to have a quid pro quo like that, that’s fine. If that’s a conscious decision, that’s fine, but rarely is that a conscious decision.
Most people usually play this game without talking about it, and that’s going to be destructive to your relationship. So quit giving things that you don’t want to give, and, also, don’t accept stuff from your partner. If you do that, then you’re in relationship where you’re keeping score, and one or both of you is always going to be losing out on something.
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