Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Sexual intimacy after an affair
How do you resume sexual intimacy after an affair betrayal? Many discussions have brought up the topic of how to recover from the relationship 9/11. 9/11 in a relationship is betrayal. That is a great challenge. There is no question about it, and it brings up a lot of issues.
Now, here is what research tells us (and I really want you to hear this if you’re going through this): it’s not all doom and gloom. I think the number is varied, depending on whether you’re man or woman, but it’s between 60 and 75% of couples that have gone through an infidelity and dealt with it report that their relationship is better now after the infidelity than before.
Now, I know that sounds crazy right now. It’s got to sound crazy, because of all the pain you’re feeling. However, it’s not endorsing an infidelity as a solution to a problem in a relationship. It’s how we respond to it. Because what the infidelity forces people to do is to get way down deep, to get down into what’s really important for them, and to start having conversations at that level. These are what I call personal conversations that really get you connected with your partner. So the infidelity can move a relationship in that direction, and it can do that sexually as well.
A lot of times, people say that the reason why people stop having sex is because the sex isn’t worth having. Well, what makes it not worth having? The fact that people don’t talk to each other about what they want, about what’s important to them. They stop that dialogue. All that needs to be dealt with if you want to be able to heal after betrayal and recover sexual desire after an affair betrayal.
If you deal with that, then the quality of your sex life can be better than ever before. But it’s going to take a period of time, because, at first, it’s going to be hard for you to open yourself up to your partner and be able to be vulnerable and trust again. So, what I would recommend to you is that you don’t go there until you are certain that you’re both committed to working the relationship out together and have worked on your trust issues.
If you’re the one who has been betrayed, communicating to your partner what you want and need sexually can be quite a challenge emotionally. So, make sure you’re both committed to the relationship and heading in the same direction. I don’t want you to get vulnerable and then be hurt again. I want you to be vulnerable only once you’re certain that you guys are heading towards reconciliation.
Copyright – 2013-14 – Tunomi Unlimited Incorporated (Twoology)