Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Sex life after kids
In this Twoology video, relationship expert, Allen Berger, Ph.D., offers #1 way to maintain a good sex life alive after having kids and 3 tips for communicating about sex to your kids.
How do you maintain a good sex life after kids? A big question that comes up for couples is how to deal with this issue of our sexuality when we have kids around the house. A lot of couples want to keep that separate. They say things like, “We don’t want to have sex until our kids are asleep”, and all that stuff. But, if you truly want a mind-blowing sex life after kids, you’ve got some serious things to do to make that happen.
Look, I’m not advocating that you have an orgy down in the living room while the kids’ friends are walking in and out. But, I mean, please, don’t take what I’m saying in that way. But, what I’m also saying is pay attention to the kind of message that you give your children about what sex is. They need to know that their parents need to have a sex life after kids. You know, when you have to hide it like that and when you put so much anxiety around it, what are you saying to them? You’re saying something’s wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with sex.
Sex is a great thing. It’s how we connect to each other. Two people that love each other connect to each other and express that. So look at the kind of message that you’re sending your children. So, if they happen to hear you having sex, and it’s okay for you, then it’s going to be okay for them. But, if it’s not okay for you, what’s going to happen is that you’re going to communicate your anxiety to your children. Then they’re going to start getting hang-ups about it. So you have to check in with yourself. How are you with your sexuality, and what does it mean to you? You need to keep focused on how you can (and will) have a sex life after kids.
So, the question that comes up is how do you talk to your children about sex? In what way do you do it? Or do you leave that to the church or to the school? Now, remember what I’m saying is that there is no such thing as no communication. If you’re not talking directly to your children, you’re saying something to your children. You really have to hear them. What you’re saying is, is that this is a difficult thing to talk about or I don’t know how to talk to you about it. We shouldn’t talk about it. But, you should talk about how you can have a sex life after kids.
That’s not a great message. For me, the more natural you make sex, the more comfortable everybody’s going to be with themselves and their sexuality. See, it’s just a part of us. But, if we hide it and we treat it like it’s this big thing, it’s going to become a big thing.
For example, let’s say that it’s in the afternoon and you thought your child was taking a nap. But, 3-year-old-Johnny walks in the room. You’re having intercourse. What do you do? Well, your initial reaction to Johnny is going to let Johnny know if what you were doing was wrong. If you just get up and say, “Oh, honey, hi.” Then Johnny’s not going to think that there was any big deal going on between you guys. And Johnny is going to start seeing sex as just a natural part of who we are. He’s going to know for certain that his parents will have a sex life after kids.
However, if you go nuts, and say, “Oh, my! You walked in, and didn’t knock first!”, what is the message that Johnny is getting? That somehow this wasn’t okay. You don’t want to do that.
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