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Being In Love: Yet, How Do You Select the Right Relationship?

NOTE:

Here is the transcript for this TED Talk video.

If you’re single and in search of love and commitment, what’s really going on
0:04
I want everybody to close their eyes I want you to imagine
0:10
being in love maybe you have been in my
0:15
maybe you hope to be in love what was that like
0:20
your heart starts racing stomach gets all weird
0:25
you call up your best friend say oh my gosh I think I just met the love of my
0:30
life
0:30
rights in three weeks I
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we figure that out so quick we make these very quick decisions
0:38
oliver motion comes rushing
0:42
so quickly but then what happens down the road
0:45
we realize what were we thinking
0:49
rights fifty percent of marriages fail
0:52
why to have my very good friends called me within a week of each other and told
0:58
me that their marriage over 10 years had failed
1:01
now even though everyone else around them
1:05
newell that they were not really making a good decision at the time
1:09
there you know my my best friend her mother and I knew over ten years ago the
1:14
guy that she packed with
1:15
kind of controlling he was dismissive towards women
1:19
and he really wanted a woman that would stay home cook clean
1:24
and have their child’s and my friend
1:27
was not at all interested in she was singing jazz in New York City she was
1:31
very happy to have that life
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but that’s not what he was interested and somewhere along the way
1:37
she fell in love with him and so she sacrificed
1:41
for the family she sacrificed for what she thought
1:44
was the right decision in 10 years down the road she realized she didn’t
1:48
recognize ourselves
1:49
and then she decided to leave a woman asked me the other day
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I she was complaining at forty saying that there was no good men left
1:59
and she said that the only men that are out there
2:02
are the Peter Pan guys right the men
2:06
cool as she described don’t wanna grow up that’s
2:10
they don’t have kids they don’t get married they don’t wanna settle down
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and she spent all our time and energy trying to on Peter Pan Am
2:16
and she asked me what do I say
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n how does this come about and why can’t she find anybody why can’t you fix the
2:24
situation
2:25
right it so I stayed her how
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honest do you want me to be and she said oh yes very honest I’m really sure
2:34
someone to fix this problem
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how do we do this right and they said well think you’re investing
2:40
all your energy any people
2:43
better scrappy they’re totally fun
2:47
why should they get married have kids and settle down they don’t want to you
2:51
so the issue is your focus the issue is your perspective how are we selecting
2:57
partners
2:58
right NY are we trying to force them to change ur
3:02
why are we ignoring who they are
3:06
the red flags to rate for interface right I have women all the time
3:09
complaining
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and 3z forties and fifties that they can’t find the man of their dreams
3:17
or woman of their dreams I have many complaining that they feel that they’re
3:22
being overlooked rights because they’re the good guide is a nice guy did the
3:26
friends
3:27
and what they find is that you know
3:30
people learn are dating the
3:34
unavailable person the player the
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pathological liar the
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person who’s already married right so we make all these decisions in our
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relationships
3:47
and we end up to 3
3:50
years down the road ten years down the road
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in despair we struggle to try to find a relationship that we want whether that
3:59
leads to marriage or just a long-term commitments
4:02
why we repeat the cycle over and over and over again
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and the woman asked me earlier that I talked about that asked my advice about
4:09
why this happens
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and she says oh no I don’t take the Peter Pan guys
4:13
I just see them out there well except the last two relationships
4:17
I i did. date the Peter Pan guy okay so
4:21
you due date them so why do you choose them
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she she couldn’t really explain it and then she just kept that coming back and
4:28
saying no no I don’t really take them
4:30
okay except the last two she became really defensive in this conversation
4:35
and was denying the truth
4:39
everyone else our realtor could see me the people that love to the most her
4:43
friends or family
4:45
and so I asked myself on the path love what what happens
4:49
what we do it starts off beautiful
Screen Shot 2014 02 27 at 7.27.39 PM For The Uncoupled:  How to Select the Right Relationship blog
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wonderful perfect totally in love with this person in a very short period of
4:56
time
4:57
right and then we see a red flag but we need your
5:00
its because we say no no it must be us we’re crazy were too picky
5:06
but the problem is our friends and family see it too
5:09
and their concerns in may or may not say anything and then what’s our response
5:14
we attacked them well you’re
5:17
you’ll never be happy if I’m happy I finally found someone I love
5:22
and you can accept it well you just don’t know him
5:26
he’s different when we’re alone right we tell ourselves this all the time
5:32
then there’s a combination of Redflex
5:36
and we tell ourselves well all relationships take work
5:39
rights which is true but we
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we tell ourselves this in a misguided way
5:46
right so our friends and family expressed their concern and what do we
5:49
do we attacked them were defensive
5:51
and then we began to isolate from them they tried to intervene
5:56
and they say look I’m really concerned about this person that you’re dating
5:59
an and I want you to think about that I want you to try and pick someone else
6:03
writer just end it and we may even admit to ourselves yeah I prolly should and I
6:08
know this person isn’t good for me
6:10
right but we doubt and so then what happens is because family or friends or
6:16
anywhere alive colleagues coworkers because they
6:19
they big cock they conflict with us and they say look there’s a problem here
6:23
we feel embarrassed me feel shame and so what do we do we separate from them
6:27
rights we don’t go to a friend’s house anymore because they’re always
6:30
complaining
6:32
and then the family gets angry and then a separate from you
6:35
right they stop trying and eventually 3 realize
6:40
that we were wrong and they were right heats
6:44
snots and then we despair
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and then we say are we ever gonna find anybody and we could have saved so much
6:53
time and energy and despair
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if we were just listen to the people that are around us
6:59
and not to be so defensive right
7:03
so why don’t we repeat the cycle why we repeat this
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because we do it all the time right our brain
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think the same part of our brain that controls addiction
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controls our feelings of love rate because our feelings of love that
7:19
intense connection that we feel was someone which is totally irrational
7:24
we don’t really know them we don’t really have all those things in common
7:28
but we want to believe that we do
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it’s just like being addicted to drops or alcohol
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it’s an addiction it is and for whatever reason we’re not wise enough to figure
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it out we’re not wise enough
7:42
because our motion in our perception of you is at this love
7:46
controls our brain our minds are prefrontal cortex which at the front of
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your
7:51
it’s a different if your brain in the prefrontal cortex the part in the brain
7:54
that’s rational X rational decision-making right and it tells the
7:58
other parts of the brain
7:59
knock it off you know when you wanna punch somebody and then you realize nope
8:03
that’s my boss I can’t do that
8:06
that’s the prefrontal cortex telling you knock it off okay
8:09
but we don’t we don’t allow the prefrontal cortex to control our heart
8:13
in our our feelings of love and so that’s how we get into these situations
8:17
on you know it could be genetics it could be role models
8:20
maybe we don’t know anyone that has a happy marriage a happy relationship
8:23
things like that
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some people have this idea that were drawn to danger
8:29
great why do we take the person
8:32
who we know is historically unfaithful
8:35
no. here right they tell us about their last partner and they cheated on them
8:41
but somehow we still think that only gonna be different with us
8:45
right mean wow the good person is there you know the good guy whose honesty is
8:51
for trustworthy
8:52
loves you but we ignored
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right I have an example and you know don’t laugh
8:59
it’s the Bachelorette has anyone paid attention a Bachelor
9:03
recently okie one person thank you
9:07
so dense who’s the best threats
9:10
right it has is she’s down to three guys to love which
9:14
are madly in love with her Napoli lazar
9:18
teller their faction at the break homes they sing songs you all this wonderful
9:22
stuff right
9:23
who did she fall in love with that guy that doesn’t love her
9:29
rights any Telesur he breaks her heart
9:32
I don’t know what’s gonna happen there’s only one showing left
9:36
but but I think this is symbolic why if we do this all the time we see our
9:41
friends making these decisions Frank
9:43
so love rules are mine
9:48
it seems like were addicted to drugs ripped fast
9:51
were compulsive with this idea of love right can’t sleep
9:55
spider we can eat or when we do eat that cheeseburger
9:59
it tastes how to licious because now we’re in love everything is amplified
10:04
rent
10:05
so this is my favorite quote here right this reminds me of the lady who wants to
10:10
on Peter Pan the guys that she dates
10:13
never try to teach a pig to sing
10:17
it in noise the kid waste your time
10:20
right I’m not saying that men are pigs
10:24
and if they were pics women are just as much pics as they are
10:27
butts wire we consciously trying to change people
10:31
right we go into this relationship than
10:35
no pics can’t sing and yet we keep trying to get them to see me
10:38
any just you know it’s its annoying any waste your time
10:42
me while you’re in that relationship for two years and you’ve wasted all that
10:46
time when really
10:47
there’s so many opportunities out there for you
10:51
so how do we fix this shortlists
10:55
but Hart we have two open your heart to a real
11:00
self-assessment the woman who asked for advice
11:04
Sat in a circle love oliver friends we were just hanging out in the backyard
11:08
right having a barbecue and she refused to listen to
11:13
every single wanna who all said the same thing
11:17
right we have to open up our heart to a self-assessment
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what is going on with us what are we doing to contribute to these
11:25
relationships
11:26
what are we afraid of do we think we’re not we’re set
11:29
we think we have to settle for this person right
11:34
you have to get healthier on the past
11:38
to being healthier we have to get to know ourselves I can’t tell you how many
11:42
people say
11:43
well they go out on a date and they go all right
11:46
I hope that didn’t like me ICM whites
11:50
I hope you’re like cares if they like you
11:55
you to sexist person to figure out if you’re a good fit for you
12:00
if our entire focus is in dating is I hope that they like me
12:04
well no wonder we make bad decisions right and then you have the person you
12:08
always says
12:09
well let me just put it out there I’m just can’t tell you everything that i’m
12:12
looking for.
12:13
right why I want this kind of person who does this in his interest in S
12:17
well the unscrupulous percent who just constantly enjoined
12:21
dead is gonna tell you all about stuff that you just told them
12:25
right so instead putting everything out there
12:28
and leading down on you know
12:31
becom who you want temporarily
12:34
to get what they want you need to take a step back
12:37
and figuring out what are the most important things for you
12:41
Frank think it’s three questions if you really want to get married have kids
12:45
and you’re 35 well that should be one of the first questions you ask
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are you interested in getting married I’m not saying to me I’m not saying
12:54
tomorrow but is this in your plan
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because there’s many people out there that say no way I’m good if I never get
13:00
married I’ll be happy
13:02
so we have to be more bowls
13:05
we have to know what we want in December only about the really important stuff
13:10
I had friends who said she
13:13
she wanted a anybody who ever in their entire life to drops
13:18
including pots and I said half
13:22
most people have done drugs at least once in their life
13:26
so I don’t know I i mean is that really important
13:29
like I could see if there are you know a pothead smokin
13:32
every week and they’re not going to work in you know all that stuff
13:35
I get it but we have to really be wise
13:38
about what we’re looking for how that let’s be stubborn about
13:42
honesty right is the person honest
13:46
that wanna be startin heard helps okay
13:50
the foolish person seeks happiness in the distance the wise person
Screen Shot 2014 02 27 at 7.15.51 PM For The Uncoupled:  How to Select the Right Relationship blog
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6 under their feet we have to be happy with ourselves we have to be happy with
13:59
our presents
14:00
and happiness will come to us more if you’re miserable now
Screen Shot 2014 02 27 at 7.20.14 PM For The Uncoupled:  How to Select the Right Relationship blog
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then we’ll just become more and more miserable as we evaluate our lives
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right it’s a better perspective number one rule
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and a lot of people think this is crazy but I stand by it 100 percent
14:18
your friends and family must meet your prospects
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if you feel uncomfortable in pressured in oh my gosh they’re gonna think I’m
14:25
crazy
14:26
maybe that’s a problem right you can stage a fake
14:31
you know setup like all we just happen to
14:34
go to this restaurant all look here’s my best friend want to join us for
14:38
her right because
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they will tell you able tell you if that person is good for you or not but the
14:46
problem is is we have to listen to them
14:49
right we have to listen to them but and it has to happen
14:52
early within three to five dates why why
14:56
because that’s when we fall in love within the first three five dates
15:00
that were already hot we might not say it
15:03
we may not admit it but we know it’s true
15:06
that’s when we get hot knows early dates that’s when we become an addict
15:11
in our lives become unmanageable so we have to back that up
15:14
and just get a first impression of somebody right from the beginning
15:19
and if they same Ron Ron
15:23
Ron
15:27
right any don’t pay attention to the one person that says to you
15:31
all whatever makes you happy I trust you make a good decision
15:34
not earn enough to listen to that person okay if three have five
15:39
your friends are two out of three say I don’t know
15:42
and I feel on it I’m nothing in there right 30 run
15:45
run even if you think they have so much potential we have so much in common
15:48
no just Ron you have to trust your community because they’re why is ur
15:53
they are wiser than us when we’re in the midst of this
15:56
okay get ongoing advice
16:00
pic your me friend trade your friend XO
16:03
honest you just like I don’t ask your cuz I know she’s missing something bad
16:08
okay that’s the one that you wanna go to talk to a professional
16:12
consultants therapist anyone just talk to someone else
16:16
right to get feedback pay attention red flags every day
16:22
and be brave enough to walk away early be brave
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and not have to walk away
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real love is possible it is
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16:32
right the relationship that you’re in now can be better to
16:36
0 right don’t get discouraged don’t get upset
16:39
believe in your ability to analyzed trust yourself trust your gut you can do
16:44
it
16:45
don’t be afraid to ask those questions don’t be intimidated if you’re
16:47
intimidated asset really important question now
16:50
what do you think’s gonna happen in five years when you never had stepped right
16:54
be brief you can do it action conquers fear the more we do it more comfortable
16:58
we get with it
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on my wife said on our first day she thought she was dating an FBI
17:04
interrogator
17:06
because I after so many questions right but look what happened we got married
17:10
she passed my test
17:13
miracles can happen can happen and you must believe that loves possible
17:18
is possible if you follow these steps: if you get advice
17:22
you listen to your friends and family they love you they really do you only
17:26
want what’s best for you don’t
17:28
don’t lie to yourself and tell yourself that well they’re just jealous
17:31
where they never had a good relationship right
17:34
listen to them they love you it’s possible
17:38
thank you

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