Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Feeling negative about partner
Allen Berger, Ph.D discusses 3 ways that people have learned to deal with feeling negative thoughts and emotions. To deal with your feelings, you have to authentically stay connected to yourself and your partner. Do not put your partner on the defensive telling them they need help. If you want to stay connected even when unhappy, put them in a helpful position asking for assistance with your own problems.
How do I deal with feeling negative emotions? A big question that couples have is how do I deal with my feelings? You know, let’s say I get upset with my partner? Well, how do I handle that? Is it best to just, you know, cover that over and act like I’m happy even though I’m upset? No, of course not. So, how should you handle those feelings?
Well, I think that there are three ways that we’ve learned to deal with feelings, and you need to take a look at this. If you’re doing it this way, if you’re saying, “Oh, I’m going to just go ahead and cover it up. I’m going to go ahead and put a smile on my face when I don’t have it,” that’s one way. However, that way often leads to withdrawing emotionally.
Other people try to control the other person. Some submit, which is kind of cooperating, putting a smile on your face, or you can run away. However, all three of those things are going to harm your relationship. They’re not going to help it.
What’s going to help your relationship is to stay connected. Stay connected, but still keep a sense of yourself. This goes back to this issue of authenticity. You need to be who you are. So stay connected with your partner and hold on to your integrity. In fact, mature love is defined as union with the preservation of integrity.
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