Allen Berger, Ph.D.
Accused of affair
What do you do when you’re falsely accused of an affair? Sometimes, couples get into a space where one partner is accusing the other of having an affair, and it’s not true. Now, what do you do with that? How do you deal with those feelings? It can become a serious issue, because, a lot of times, the person that’s feeling falsely accused can become really indignant and righteous about that. They may say things like, “How dare you accuse me? I’ve always been faithful and functioned with integrity in our relationship.” And that’s a choice you have. You can deal with it that way. I don’t see that as very productive, though, because what your partner is saying to you is that there is something else going on. And in committed relationships, it’s important to productively work out feelings with one another.
You see, what I say is the problem is never really the surface problem. If you’re partner falsely accuses you of an affair, it’s usually some feeling laying below the surface. So, when they’re saying to you, “I think you’re having an affair.” There’s another communication association or connection going on. And that’s really what the important thing is: to find out what they’re really saying to you. Are they saying to you, “I don’t feel like you’re spending much time with me”, basically that you’re not that engaged with them. And, if that’s the case, then maybe that’s true. See, maybe you’re not really paying attention to them and doing some things that they would really like to do in being proactive in a relationship but you’re doing it with someone else.
The website, Twoology.com, has some great options for you in terms of going on there and looking at things that you could choose to do that your partner would like. Go to Romantipedia guides for ideas. Go to the Happier Lists and invite your spouse to share them with you. In fact, try that. Can you do that? Because if you can’t, then it means you don’t know them, and maybe that’s part of the problem between you two.
Now, another thing that you can do, if that’s a chronic problem that keeps coming up: give your partner complete permission to be a detective. If you’ve got nothing to hide, you got nothing hide. If they need to follow you to work or whatever, they need to do those types of things to take care of their feelings, give them permission to do that. What’s going on is that they’re having all these feelings, but they’re trying to be trusting when they don’t feel trusting at all. So, if you give them permission to do that, maybe they can work through their feelings that way as well, because when you’re falsely accused of an affair, you’ve got some serious communication work to do, and soon!
Relationship Expert Bullet Points
- What really triggers an accusation?
- Why are some accusations false?
- What’s missing in the accuser’s life that they may not be receiving from their mate?
- If you have nothing to hide, show it all!
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